Karma?

I just put my son down for a nap with a goalie mask in his crib. I was able to convince him that it would hurt to sleep in the mask, but I wasn't up for the fight that would occur if I tried to remove the goalie mask from the crib. It's one of those pick your battles situations. As I stare at the sight of my son sleeping with a helmet, I once again ponder if karma hasn't come back to bite me a bit.

Let's rewind a good fifteen years or so and visit the Ada-Borup High School gym. In grades 7-10, it was mandatory for everyone to take phy-ed. This did not bode well for me. It's been said that I could trip over a tape line on the floor--in fact, I believe I actually have tripped over said line on multiple occasions. Add to the fact that, to this day, I hate getting ready more than once in a 24 hour period and some of you may start to understand why I dreaded the sound of the bell that lead me down to the locker room and then into the gym.

The state of Minnesota tried its best to make sure I got my physical activity five times a week. However, I had other ideas. I must admit that it took me a couple years to truly figure out my system. I was always the one put way out in the outfield during softball. Everyone knew that I should be placed next to someone who could cover my area as well as their own during volleyball. There was truly no sport that I was even slightly skilled at helping my team. Then one day it came to me, no male gym teacher is going to argue when you say you have cramps. It was like a light had shone down from the sky and to show me the way. Poor Mr. Hann--pretty sure even he caught on to me at some point, but no way was he asking for evidence. 

Then during my freshman year, I started getting daily headaches that made me fairly miserable. The one bright spot--another excuse to sit out of gym class. This one even had an official doctor's note to back it up. Don't get me wrong, I would've gone through the torture of gym every day if it would've ended the headaches. At that point, I pretty much would've done anything to get a break from them. Since they were going to be a part of my daily life for years, I just considered this a slight silver lining on an otherwise dark cloud.

At this point, you are probable wondering what this has to do with anything. Let's jump back into the present. Here's a rundown of a typical day at my house. Kade gets up, we watch Mickey, eat and then it starts. Mommy, mommy play hockey. Mommy, mommy shoot baskets. Mommy, mommy golf. Mommy, mommy baseball. Throw in some football, soccer and occasional tennis (played with a kitchen strainer as a racquet is one of the few pieces of sporting equipment we are missing in this house) and you have a pretty clear picture of the majority of the day. Add to it the fact that Kade only moves at top speed. One of his favorite phrases to shout out is, of course, "Mommy run!" Plus the child is surprisingly fast for a two year old. This is not the observation of a proud mommy who thinks she has an Olympic runner on her hands. This is the observation of anyone who has to try to keep up with the boy on any form of excursion. Of course, he also has an equally unnerving amount of endurance and stamina for a child his age. Kade truly is a bundle of energy.

As I spend my days attempting to keep up with my born athlete, I wonder if this is the universe's way of creating balance. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that I have such an active child. It's great that he shows so much interest in sports and that he appears to have a great deal of natural talent (which obviously didn't come from me).  There is not one thing I would change about Kade as I'm his mom and I believe him to be perfect just the way he is. However, I'm starting to doubt that it's a complete coincidence that the girl who went through great lengths to be sitting in the stands reading a book (or two or three) instead of out playing on the court is now the mom who has to pitch a baseball to a two-year old because he already refuses to hit it off the tee. It seems I should've spent more time learning to hit, pitch, kick and shoot as my life now revolves around these skills. It appears that you should think twice before forging notes to get out of gym class as the universe has a funny way of maintaining balance.

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday was amazing! After our usual weekend routine of Kade joining us in bed to watch Mickey Mouse, Kevin convinced Kade to let me go back to sleep. At 10:30 I awoke to "Mommy, mommy, mommy! Goalie helmet!" being yelled in an incredibly loud (but of course adorable) two-year old voice. It seems I hadn't quite shut the door entirely and there stood Kade in his goalie helmet. I basically jumped out of bed (which is what happens when a small child in a goalie mask wakes you out of a deep sleep) and felt great--amazing was actually the word I kept coming back to throughout the day. It was like my body had been upgraded during my two hour nap.

I managed to spend a good period of time outside playing hockey, golf and baseball with Kade--obviously his choices, not mine (those of you who've know me for years are probably laughing hysterically at the image of me engaged in such a flurry of sports). While he napped, I made caramels with my good friend Kristen. After nap, we went to the Miami Women's basketball game and then out to dinner. Kade went to bed and I stayed up cutting and wrapping the incredibly delicious caramels. Even while on full doses of Cymbalta, that day would have been pushing it. However, I still felt great when I went to bed!

I have to admit that I did have much more exciting plans for my Saturday evening--a trip to Monroe to see 32 Below. After the horrific day on Friday, I wisely cancelled these plans. Although it was disappointing to miss seeing my favorite band from back in MN/ND, I'm impressed with my ability to recognize that I wasn't up to it. This is truly a new thing for me as I spent so much time trying to prove that fibromyalgia didn't have the power to change what I was going to do with my life.

Today wasn't quite as spectacular. I needed to sit down and take a break a bit more often than usual. There were a few dizzy spells and times when I felt the fog closing in on me. Not nearly the perfect 10 of yesterday, but still a solid 6--maybe even 6.5. These days I'll definitely consider that a win.

Reality check

I have to admit that this week did quite the number on me. I've had a great 6+ months with my fibromyalgia after making a couple of major changes--quitting my job to stay at home with Kade and finally agreeing to start on medication. Cymbalta turned out to be a life changer for me. It basically knocked the pain out entirely. Throw in a bit of Xanax to help with the constant sleep issues and I was pretty much feeling like a new person. Note the use of the word "was".

I gave up the Xanax a couple of weeks ago with no problems. I'd still been able to fall asleep in a fairly normal amount of time, so no big deal. I was equally optimistic about weaning off of Cymbalta. Turns out I should have done a better job of mentally preparing myself for this process. It's amazing how quickly one forgets how miserable one felt a few months ago. It's all come back to me after the past few days. I am back in the land of aches and fogs and I'm not at all happy about it. I had believed that the Cymbalta did not have an effect on my exhaustion, but it turns out I'm insane as I'm assuming there's a connection between the fact that I'm giving it up and the fact that I am now so exhausted that I would cry but that would take more energy than I would have.

I know that it will get better as this becomes the new norm, but the transition pretty much makes me want to crawl in a hole for the next couple weeks. Plus there's the depressing thought that this is going to be the norm for the foreseeable future. I keep trying to remind myself that what we're hoping to gain through this process (which would be a sibling for Kade), is going to be more than worth it. However, I have to admit it still sucks.

Thank goodness for Kade because he is truly the only thing that gets me up and moving at this point. Nothing puts a smile on my face faster than him. Plus there is no way that one of the most active boys I've ever seen is going to let his mommy lie around and feel sorry for herself all day.  I do feel guilty as I know I'm not nearly as much fun as usual. Plus mommy feeling like crap is pretty much a guarantee that there is a bit more Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on than is typically allowed at our house.

Case in point--today was the perfect, sunny day for a trip to the zoo, which is something you should take advantage of in January in Ohio. However, I knew the combination of the gigantic hills at the zoo and the fact that Kade's nap would occur in the car (which means no down time for me) would absolutely do me in. This is a big step for me, as I've spent the majority of the nearly four years since my diagnosis trying to act as if nothing is wrong, but it still tears me up to not be able to do everything I want to with my son.

Since this has turned out to be much more depressing than I had anticipated, I'll leave you with a video that never fails to bring a smile to my face. It stars my little ray of sunshine on our last trip to the zoo. Hope it makes you smile too!

Here goes nothing!

Ever since deciding to stay home with my son about 7 months ago, I have tossed around the thought of starting a blog that focused on the two things that have had the biggest impact on my life during the past few years--being a mom and learning to deal with the diagnosis of fibromyalgia . However, I am know for being incredibly picky as to what I put out in writing. It would take me way too long to admit to put out a newsletter for parents when I was a teacher. Once I was the one editing the newsletter for the center, it became a day long project. You can see why I would hesitate to undertake blogging. The start of the new year has me vowing to try something new, so here goes nothing!